Brain tumor- Part 3

We were at Primary Children's for nine days.  During the days I kept busy distracting Matt and talking to doctors.  When Matt would fall asleep at night all of my demons came out.  It seemed as if the weight of everything that had been happening would settle on me as soon as Matt's eyes closed each night.  I was really struggling one night in particular.  Matt was improving quickly and doctors were optimistic, so I wanted to feel grateful.  But I didn't.  I felt heartbroken and sad beyond belief.  I expressed some of my feelings to Jason, but he was feeling the exact opposite of how I felt.  He was both grateful and very optimistic about the future.  I was happy he was able to be in a better place than I was, but I also felt really alone.  I said a prayer, asking for help to calm my mind and heart.  I opened my scriptures and felt prompted to search for a scripture about peace.  I turned to 2 Nephi 4:26:"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?"  When I read this verse, I felt that Nephi was describing exactly what I was feeling.  My heart was weeping and I was in a valley of sorrow.  I read on, looking for ways to find the peace I was searching for.  A couple phrases in verses 34 and 35 comforted me as I remembered the Lord is always with me.  "O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever.  Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh.  Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness.  Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God."  I realized I was trying to carry this difficult burden on my own.  From this point on I allowed the Lord to help me carry this burden, relying on Him and placing all my trust in Him.  I'm not saying this journey isn't difficult or painful.  It is.  It is the toughest thing I have faced.  My heart still breaks and I have moments of fear and sadness, but those feelings are always followed by a peaceful reminder that I am not alone.