Peace beyond understanding

Matt had another MRI yesterday.  This MRI was originally scheduled for December, but was moved up because Matt has complained of several headaches.  Every time Matt has an MRI, I experience so much anxiety.  I cannot help but remember the first CT scan which showed the brain tumor.  I hear the ER doctor's words over and over in my head, "Matt has a brain tumor.  It's quite large and has probably been there a while."  I can't eat or concentrate while he's getting an MRI.  I usually pace the halls of the hospital, chatting with Jason while we wait.  I get really chatty when I'm nervous.  And Jason is willing to let me chat his ear off.  As this week's MRI approached, I found myself consumed with worry.  I couldn't stop thinking about what they were going to find and what Matt would have to go through.  I kept thinking about how crushed he would be if they found residual tumor that had started to grow.  One night I knew what I needed to do.  I went to the temple, where I knew I could more easily feel peace.  I was sitting in the chapel and read a couple of scripture verses that replaced my anxiety with peace and perspective.  I flipped to this verse in Words of Mormon 1:7:

"And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will."

This verse has special meaning to me.  I had a conversation with my bishop in June when we came home from the hospital.  He said it would be helpful for me to remember that Matt is God's son.  He was God's son before he was mine and I needed to trust God's plan for Matt.  Even when that plan wasn't what I had wanted or hoped for.  I've been trying to do that ever since.  It's one of the most important lessons I have learned from this trail.  

After giving this verse some thought, I followed one of the footnotes to 2 Nephi 27:23:

"For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."

I believe in miracles.  I've witnessed incredible miracles ever since Matt was first diagnosed.   I didn't feel that I knew how the MRI would turn out.  I didn't know if Matt would need chemo or not.  But I did know that in the midst of this difficult trial is a purpose, greater than I can imagine. I was also reminded that the Lord  works miracles in our lives.  I knew it was time for me to exercise a little more faith by completely trusting in Him and to be more optimistic, inside and out.

So Matt had his 4th MRI since May (not counting all the CT scans).  I was surprised by how many nurses I recognized.  I guess that's what happens when you're in the hospital for several days.  Matt picked a movie to watch during the scan, he chose Despicable Me 2.  I gave him a huge hug before the nurse got him settled.  We left right after I snapped this picture, headed for the waiting room.  As I sat in the packed waiting area, I noticed worried parents and too many sick kids.  Many of the kids were obviously cancer patients.  I prayed for Matt, then felt guilty for asking for so much while others are deeply suffering.  Jason and I talked about plans to return to Primary Children's in December.  We want to give back.  Next thing I knew, Matt came out with a huge smile on his face and we headed to the doctor's office.  His doctor felt quite confident that the small dots are just scar tissue, since they have not grown at all in the last couple of months.  Knowing the tumor is completely gone was a huge relief.  A child's prognosis is much, much better after a complete resection.  This means Matt won't need another MRI for 6 months!  This is the best news we've heard in a while!  We were all beyond excited and ready to move forward.  We went to In-N-Out before heading home, celebrating with double cheeseburgers and milkshakes!