Go gold for Matt!

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  Before Matt's diagnosis, I could not stand to listen to anything about childhood illness and disease.  When St. Jude commercials played on my car radio at Christmastime, I would quickly change to a different station.  I never admitted this to anyone, because I knew it was selfish.  There were things I didn't know at the time, but learned after Matt's diagnosis.  I would like to share some of our story because I understand the importance of raising awareness for childhood cancer.  Research is needed to find causes and treatments.  I have read several articles about the limited amount of money that is raised for childhood cancers (read an overview here).  Our children need and deserve better.

My son, Matthew, is a happy, rambunctious 10 year old.  Last year he was diagnosed with a pilomyxoid astrocytoma (PMA).  PMA's are defined by Johns Hopkins as, "A type of brain cancer largely seen in children"(http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/kimmel_cancer_center/research_clinical_trials/research
/brain_cancer/pilomyxoid_astrocytoma_registry.html).  Some doctors we met are willing to call Matt's tumor benign, while others are not.  One of the first doctors we talked to post pathology report said it is definitely benign.  Since then, I have had several doctors and other hospital personnel refer to Matt's diagnosis as a cancer diagnosis.  It is confusing at best.  Each time someone refers to Matt as a cancer patient, I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.  It is not something I will ever get used to.

Matt's tumor was removed a few days after diagnosis.  PMA's can return and are known for being aggressive, so Matt has yearly MRI's to watch for recurrence.  Any recurrence will result in more surgery as well as chemotherapy or radiation. If there is no recurrence in five years, he will be considered cured.  This is what we hope and pray for every day.

Some days are easier than others.  Some days are difficult because Matt has a headache or looks cross-eyed for a split second.  Other days are hard for no apparent reason.  I have broken down, sobbing like I did when he was first diagnosed at random moments because I relive the initial diagnosis or the seizure he had after surgery.  My heart broke in these moments and breaks again each time I remember them.

I share these feelings with you, hoping that you will take a moment to Go Gold this month.  Instead of eating out, send a check to a pediatric research hospital.  Take a few minutes this month to pray for children who are diagnosed with cancer and their families.  Children deserve a happy, carefree childhood. Let's unite our efforts for the brave children whose innocent childhoods are interrupted by surgeries, long hospital stays, and painful medical treatments.

Go here to find 30 ways you can support the cause.

Thoughts on fear

A couple months ago I was not in a good place emotionally.  Even though Matt is doing great, I was overwhelmed by what I was learning about pediatric brain tumors.  I was hearing stories of tumor recurrence, horrific chemotherapy side effects, etc.  I received a call from a research study group and a very well meaning individual said a very insensitive statement that terrified me.  A thought kept coming into my mind that I unfortunately listened to, which told me that I was stupid to believe in miracles or to feel any hope. I was completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear and anxiety.

Thankfully I am blessed to have incredibly wise friends.  I was sitting in a restaurant with a couple of these wise ladies, telling them how I felt through lots of tears (I hate doing that in public places!). They lovingly talked me through my emotions and shared some of their own experiences.  Even though their experiences are different from my own, I felt of their strength.  The next day I drove by myself to Utah for a fun day of shopping with another friend of mine.  The quiet, 2 1/2-hour drive was exactly what I needed.  I prayed most of the drive and finally put all the pieces together.  I was able to recognize what was making me miserable and I set specific goals to help me get out of the dark place I had been in for a couple of weeks.  I realized the thoughts I mentioned earlier, about being stupid to believe in miracles or feel hope, were not my own thoughts.  They were thoughts from the adversary who wants me to be miserable.  Listening and entertaining those thoughts had, in fact, made me miserable and was impeding my spiritual and emotional growth.

I have felt incredibly happy ever since this realization.  Of course I have been taught these principles of faith and hope since I was a young child, but applying them in the midst of evil voices and such a terrifying trial is quite a different story.  It takes daily effort to push the other voices out and replace them with words of faith and optimism.  I have also learned so much the past year about relying on the Lord.  I have felt the peace that only He can give during the most trying moments of my life.  I was trying to carry this burden by myself.  I had asked Him to help me carry the burden of Matt's diagnosis and the trauma I watched him experience in the hospital, but I needed to ask him to help me with the trial of fear.  This is another daily effort I make, to give Him my burden because He has already carried it.  Only He knows how to truly comfort and calm me.

I heard a lot about fear and faith during conference this weekend.  I'm so grateful for the messages I heard that helped strengthen my understanding of the role fear plays in my life and what I can do about it.  Two talks immediately come to mind.  You can find them here and here.

Speaking about fear, Elder Bednar said, "This potent emotion is an important element of our mortal existence.  An example from the Book of Mormon highlights the power of the knowledge of the Lord to dispel fear and provide peace even as we confront great adversity.  In the land of Helam, Alma's people were frightened by an advancing Lamanite Army.  But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.  Therefore, they hushed their fears.  Notice Alma did not hush the people's fears. Rather, Alma counseled the believers to remember the Lord and the deliverance only He could bestow.  And knowledge of the Savior's protecting watch-care enabled the poeple to hush their own fears.  Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only shource of enduing peace.  He declared, "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me" (D&C 19:23).

I have felt my heart change over the last couple of months as I have actually felt gratitude for these trials.  I am grateful because I have experienced the Lord's mercy and comfort in ways I just wouldn't understand any other way.  I am a better mother because of what I have learned.  And I have been able to look at fear in a completely new light, as an opportunity for me to grow closer to my Savior and learn.

Spring Break 2015

Jason had some work to do in Spokane during Spring break, so the kids and I decided to tag along with him.  It was a great trip!  We spent a lot of time at the hotel's pool.  When I would ask the kids what they wanted to do, the reply was always to go to the pool.   A couple of the days in Spokane were a little cold and rainy, so we had to find some indoor activities.  We found a fun children's museum that everyone enjoyed.  William was a little bored since it was definitely geared to a younger crowd, but he was a good sport and didn't complain.  Matt, Rachel, and Owen had a blast.  They could have easily spent the entire day there.  We also went to an indoor water park.  It was smaller than we had expected, but still a lot of fun.  We knew it was time to go when Owen fell asleep on Jason's lap in the wave pool.

We were able to visit with Jason's cousin, Stacy, and some of her family one night for dinner.  We went to an amazing pizza place.  Now that I think of it, I'm completely craving their meat lovers pizza.  It was fabulous to see some familiar faces on our trip, I'm so glad we were able to meet up with them!  Stacy recommended going to Coeur d'Alene since the next day was supposed to be warm.  It ended up being in the 70's and the lake was so beautiful!  We parked downtown and spent some time at the lake watching the sea planes land.  Owen thought he wanted to splash his legs in the water and quickly learned how cold the water was at the lake.  There was an awesome park right by the lake with a huge wooden playground.  Before leaving we walked around the shops, which reminded us a lot of West Yellowstone.  We found a yummy ice cream place and ordered small ice cream cones.  The small cones ended up being huge, almost more than we could eat!

Originally I wanted to go to St. George for Spring break, but I'm so glad we headed to Spokane instead.  I haven't spent time there before, so it was all new to me.  It's a beautiful area with a ton of great family friendly activities.

Here are a few fun pics from our trip: