Thoughts on fear

A couple months ago I was not in a good place emotionally.  Even though Matt is doing great, I was overwhelmed by what I was learning about pediatric brain tumors.  I was hearing stories of tumor recurrence, horrific chemotherapy side effects, etc.  I received a call from a research study group and a very well meaning individual said a very insensitive statement that terrified me.  A thought kept coming into my mind that I unfortunately listened to, which told me that I was stupid to believe in miracles or to feel any hope. I was completely overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear and anxiety.

Thankfully I am blessed to have incredibly wise friends.  I was sitting in a restaurant with a couple of these wise ladies, telling them how I felt through lots of tears (I hate doing that in public places!). They lovingly talked me through my emotions and shared some of their own experiences.  Even though their experiences are different from my own, I felt of their strength.  The next day I drove by myself to Utah for a fun day of shopping with another friend of mine.  The quiet, 2 1/2-hour drive was exactly what I needed.  I prayed most of the drive and finally put all the pieces together.  I was able to recognize what was making me miserable and I set specific goals to help me get out of the dark place I had been in for a couple of weeks.  I realized the thoughts I mentioned earlier, about being stupid to believe in miracles or feel hope, were not my own thoughts.  They were thoughts from the adversary who wants me to be miserable.  Listening and entertaining those thoughts had, in fact, made me miserable and was impeding my spiritual and emotional growth.

I have felt incredibly happy ever since this realization.  Of course I have been taught these principles of faith and hope since I was a young child, but applying them in the midst of evil voices and such a terrifying trial is quite a different story.  It takes daily effort to push the other voices out and replace them with words of faith and optimism.  I have also learned so much the past year about relying on the Lord.  I have felt the peace that only He can give during the most trying moments of my life.  I was trying to carry this burden by myself.  I had asked Him to help me carry the burden of Matt's diagnosis and the trauma I watched him experience in the hospital, but I needed to ask him to help me with the trial of fear.  This is another daily effort I make, to give Him my burden because He has already carried it.  Only He knows how to truly comfort and calm me.

I heard a lot about fear and faith during conference this weekend.  I'm so grateful for the messages I heard that helped strengthen my understanding of the role fear plays in my life and what I can do about it.  Two talks immediately come to mind.  You can find them here and here.

Speaking about fear, Elder Bednar said, "This potent emotion is an important element of our mortal existence.  An example from the Book of Mormon highlights the power of the knowledge of the Lord to dispel fear and provide peace even as we confront great adversity.  In the land of Helam, Alma's people were frightened by an advancing Lamanite Army.  But Alma went forth and stood among them, and exhorted them that they should not be frightened, but should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them.  Therefore, they hushed their fears.  Notice Alma did not hush the people's fears. Rather, Alma counseled the believers to remember the Lord and the deliverance only He could bestow.  And knowledge of the Savior's protecting watch-care enabled the poeple to hush their own fears.  Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only shource of enduing peace.  He declared, "Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me" (D&C 19:23).

I have felt my heart change over the last couple of months as I have actually felt gratitude for these trials.  I am grateful because I have experienced the Lord's mercy and comfort in ways I just wouldn't understand any other way.  I am a better mother because of what I have learned.  And I have been able to look at fear in a completely new light, as an opportunity for me to grow closer to my Savior and learn.