Brain tumor- Post 1

I have considered writing about this for some time, but I struggled to find the right words to express all of my experiences and feelings.  At the end of May I took Matt to the ER after his eye doctor discovered that his optic nerves were protruding.  About an hour into the ER visit, a doctor called Jason and me into the hallway and said these words I'll never forget, "Matthew has a brain tumor.  It's quite large and has probably been there a while."  He said the words fast and my mind struggled to understand how such a horrible thing could be happening to my sweet, kindhearted 9-year old son. Next thing I knew we were headed to Primary Children's in Salt Lake City with a tired and scared little boy in the backseat, upset by the IV in his arm.  The next nine days were full of ups and downs.  I've never prayed so much in my life and have never felt so close to heaven.  I have also never felt so low, have never seen so many sick and hurt kids, and have never felt so powerless.

As I thought about what I should write, I decided I would share the miracles I witnessed during this horrific nine days.  Because, despite this nightmare, I did experience miracles beyond comprehension. One of many miracles occurred during Matt's surgery.  Right before they wheeled Matt into surgery, Jason and I showered him with kisses, held his hands, and promised we'd see him in a little while.  As soon as they took him back, I lost it.  I was so afraid and didn't know how I would get through the hours ahead.  I remember wishing that the doctors would give me some meds to knock me out for while!  I tried sitting in the waiting room, but I could not sit still.  I discovered the best way for me to pass time was to walk up and down a little hallway outside the waiting room.  While pacing, I noticed a little round mirror near the ceiling.  All I could see in the mirror was an empty hallway and myself. Immediately an impression came into my mind that although I could only see myself, there were angels walking with me, comforting, strengthening, and empathizing with me.  Then I had another distinct impression that there were angels with Matt, looking over him when I could not.  I was filled with greater peace and love than I could ever possibly express.

One of my favorite talks is The Ministry of Angels by Elder Holland.  I read it again today and was struck by these words:

"From the beginning down through the dispensations, God has used angels as His emissaries in conveying love and concern for His children. 

In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement.

But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself.

I ask everyone within the sound of my voice to take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He “would fight [our] battles, [our] children’s battles, and [the battles of our] children’s children.” 

A very sleepy little boy after surgery.